Принц Папа Жан

When I returned to Bulgaria

My apprehensions were proven justified. When I returned to Bulgaria, Irina was already in America and I did not know her address. For the first time in my life I cursed my faultless intuition. For the first time I wished it was not me. I scorned my success and my titles. I scorned my glory. I scorned lust and even more I scorned philosophers, philosophy, philosophizing… artists, beauty, love. I scorned my very scorn. I was a precipice which led to another one. Was all that in Sinemorets genuine?
I recalled Irina’s words: “A phase of your life has come to an end, Jan, that’s why you recall things as you wish them to have been and not as they truly were.” I came from the abyss. The abyss of her body. The abyss between her legs. The abyss in her head. The abyss under her pores. The abyss of the infinite combination of atoms into genes which had created the woman-abyss…
Unawares, I found myself on the brink of the abyss. I stood on the parapet of the fifteenth floor. I stood erect, without moving. The height attracted me. I felt my body incline, saw the most beautiful picture and experienced the most terrible orgasm. Perhaps it was divine intervention or I was simply in luck. A sudden wave, powerful like a hurricane, pushed my body back towards the room.I fell from the parapet and nearly broke the glass.I clenched my teeth and again made for the parapet. It was then that the doves attacked me. I love feeding the doves and even if I had a mere slice of bread I chose to break it into crumbs and hear their song.They learnt to alight upon my arms and shoulders. Sometimes they behaved like veritable cheeky beggars but more often than not they were simply buskers whose tunes I enjoyed and who expected a reward in exchange. At that moment they were predatory, quarrelsome and full of spite. They beat me with their wings and pierced my skin with their beaks and nails. I attempted to defend myself but I never suspected how skilled in martial arts these peaceful birds were so much so, that in spite of my heavy and strong body I could not make headway towards the parapet… Scratched all over, I tried feeding them for the last time… I shared with them my loaf of bread. In their company I ate the most tasty bits in my life and when – pleased – they started singing tears filled my eyes and through them I whimpered:
“I love life! I love life! I love life!”

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